Sunday 14 January 2018

Living with PTSD as a species, and what we can do about it in 2018

If we view the human race as suffering PTSD from all the horrible stuff that’s been going on for the past millennia, 2017 starts to make a bit more sense. Some people have called it a horrendous year, rivalled only by the year before, when the world went collectively mad and mad as hell with Trump’s victory, and Brexit being voted a great idea, and all the really good famous people dying. It is all too easy to list horror after horror in a kind of retrospective of grotesquery and decay – Trump gets sworn in and becomes the least qualified and most obviously mentally unstable president in all of history, and has multiple fights on Twitter with other toxic men with similarly unstoppable egos and vacuums where their hearts should be. And these guys have the codes to the kinds of weapons that could wipe out all life on earth over and over again many times over. We had burning buildings, poverty and homelessness rising to new levels scarily quickly, increased levels of isolationism, nationalism and ‘othering’, and other forms of hate crime and speech proliferating among a vocal and significant minority. We had tiki-torch brandishers and mass shootings and more men driving vans into innocent people and blowing up teenagers at concerts. We had the handling of Brexit being trusted to a bunch of incompetents. We saw the most catastrophic effects of climate catastrophe so far, with the devastating hurricanes in the Pacific. And we bore witness to the sex crimes of powerful men in Hollywood and everywhere, and their non-apologies. If 2016 was the year of the unthinkable happening, 2017 was the year of the toxic male, shouting and raging and harming indiscriminately, while kept in a state of legitimacy and buoyancy by the #notallmen-#alllivesmatter-#whatabout crowd.

So I think we could be forgiven for feeling a bit, well, wrung out by it all. The urge to only watch videos of cute kittens doing cute things in perpetuity is very strong. But, if we are to extend the PTSD metaphor a little further, and I’m not sure that it IS just a metaphor, the first and hardest part is acknowledging the very real hurt and damage that has been caused, either to the individual or to all of us. I see 2017 as a year of us, as a species, finally starting to face up to what has been done and what is continuing to be done in the name of maintaining the status quo that keeps a few toxic individuals in power. The outrageousness of the last couple of years means that we can no longer ignore what’s going on. After all, it’s getting closer and closer to home. We find it literally on our doorsteps in the form of environmental pollution, homelessness, drug and alcoholism, to name a few visible symptoms. Or it’s in our workplaces, it’s in our homes. What we saw as ‘normal’ once because of its very ubiquity, we are now starting to see as symptoms of a profoundly sick society.

It is painful to witness, painful to acknowledge, and the injustice of it all can have a significant psychological impact which can make us feel overwhelmed and helpless. But like all sufferers of PTSD, the next step is to work out what our triggers are, what are our toxic habits? For example, reaching for the bottle, not talking about stuff, constantly reading doomy articles on social media – the sort of responses that keep us in a state of sickness - and how to change and overcome them. Making practical changes to our lives, however small, can shift our mind-sets from powerless to powerful. When we take responsibility for our recovery, while gathering support from our friends, families, neighbours, online gaming communities, whatever, we start to feel better and we start to effect meaningful change. We connect, we empathise, we energise ourselves. We start to heal.

I can identify the cause of our profound sickness, and indeed, many people already have. Clue: it starts with ‘Pat-‘ and ends with ‘-riarchy’. Neoliberalism or neo-conservatism, or whatever you want to call the political drive towards psychopathy that seems to have gripped nations once held as bastions of ‘civilisation’ like our own, is but a mere child of it; the inevitable result of centuries, if not thousands of years, of an extreme imbalance of power that has caused untold misery to civilisations the world over. Exploitation of women, of workers, enslavement, colonialism, environmental destruction etc all stem from the same set of ideas; that to be selfish and individualistic is the only route through this thing called life. And, let’s not forget ruthless competition as the cornerstone of everything we do. That brings with it a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy, compassion or feelings of any kind. After all, emotions are feminine and ‘weak’, except for anger, which is only an emotion if someone other than a man is expressing it. Preferably a white heterosexual one.

This dominant cultural mind-set has been responsible for all of our collective ills, but in 2017, it took a great big sucker punch to the chest.  And please excuse the combative metaphor – this too is a symptom of the wider culture where everything has to be a ‘battle’ or ‘war’. But I think in this case, it’s somewhat apt. Weinstein didn’t see it coming, did he? It is possible that we have seen a major shift in awareness. Finally, real conversations are opening up about where we’ve been going wrong and how to change things for the better, and how to make sure the horrendous stuff is no longer coded into the system. People who have used bullying and intimidation, as well as their privilege, to get into and preserve positions of power are finally being challenged. They don’t like it. This is reason enough to rejoice.

And as an antidote to all of the horrible things that I listed at the beginning of this piece, here are some examples of good things that are or very soon will be happening. Real inroads have been made in tackling disease, health issues like smoking, and in starting to tackle some of our greatest environmental challenges such as banning bee-killing pesticides, shifting towards renewable energy, and attempting to do something about our plastic waste problem with proposed ocean clean-ups, and using recycled plastic to build roads. We’re seeing attempts to tackle food waste as well, and larger corporations seeing the wisdom in sustainability in response to consumer awareness and demand. Tesco just announced that it intends to put an end to edible food waste by March 2018, and it is hoped that other major food producers will follow suit. We’re also seeing some meaningful moves towards gender equality, with Iceland the first country to make equal pay compulsory by law, and the appointment of the first female president of the UK Supreme Court, Brenda Hale.

There is also real reason to believe that a change of consciousness is emerging. We are starting to see and hear alternative narratives. Our heroes are coming in different shapes and colours and thanks to social media, we’re actually hearing about them! Traditionally marginalised groups are finding their voices through activism and through the arts and media. In the USA for example, the top three grossing movies of 2017 were all female-fronted. Australia voted for same sex marriage. In the UK, Robert Webb and Grayson Perry contributed to conversations about gender roles and toxic masculinity; Webb with his series of talks and book ‘How Not to be a Boy’ and Perry with his book ‘The Descent of Man’ and popular accompanying exhibition. And let’s not forget that the biggest and most peaceful global demonstration against all that Patriarchy, the Women’s March, happened in January of 2017.

And this is why I am more optimistic about 2018, and I think you should be too. When I was feeling more than a little despondent about the human race at the end of 2016, a talk by Charles Eisenstein really helped me. In it, he predicted that Trump would win the election, but that it could usher in a new age of global compassion. I believe he may be right. More people are good than are not - it’s just that the psychopaths and malignant narcissists have been running too much of the show for so long, we’ve forgotten that there is an alternative way of doing things. But there are signs that things are changing for the better, and that we may yet become the compassionate, empathetic, resourceful, cooperative, and remarkable human beings that we all have the potential to be. As soon as we realise, and many of us already have, that the challenges that we now face will only be solved by a collective approach, by making equality of opportunity and preservation of our planet our greatest aims, we can achieve far more than we as individuals could ever dream of.


So, 2018? Bring it.

Monday 1 January 2018

Newyear, newme?

It is tempting to go on a bit of a quest for reinvention at this time of year. Articles abound with announcements to renounce alcohol or animal products, or kickstart some kind of daily exercise regimen that would make Jessica Ennis-Hill look like a shirker. Every year for a while now I’ve had the same urges. Do something dramatic. I’m always naturally attracted to the dramatic after all. But, this year…do I want to reinvent myself? Erm…nope.

Encouraging a bit of self-reflection...
I do believe that a bit of honest self-reflection is necessary in life to grow as a person, and grow we must, if we are to make the most of our experience here on Earth. I know that I started last year with the good intention of spending more time outdoors, walking in nature. Things have tailed off a bit in the last few months, but I did make a point of doing it through last winter, and it definitely helped with my wellbeing. I note that now I am spending less time plugged in to my tunes when I'm out and about. Not because I've gone off music (as if!) but because I genuinely want to hear the sounds around me, the birdsong in particular, and if I were permanently plugged in, I would miss the sometimes nice things that random strangers say to me in passing. It's not all catcalls. Perhaps I'm trusting and finding that the world is a friendlier place now?

So I could probably keep that good intention going. Along with my intention to keep writing. Last year, I finished a children's story I'd started twelve years ago. I got six whole weeks through The Artist's Way (50% ain't bad)! I wrote poems, including one I read out at an open mic event. I wrote songs. I launched an EP, for goodness sake! I started a new blog (this one). I wrote articles for an online magazine. I want to write more and more and more. And if I spent a bit less time responding to comments on Guardian articles and used that time writing creatively, I could probably finish a novel by the end of March. But hey, I'm not giving myself too hard a time about it. Sometimes a good comment is enjoyed by many. I even got the top comment on one Guardian article before the end of the year. It's the little things.

Yes, I could probably do with cutting down on alcohol. Just a little bit. But I’m not cutting it out entirely because I like it and my usage and abusage of it has been trending downwards for quite a while. It seems I don’t need AA or anything that dramatic. No interventions needed here.

I could do with cutting down on sugar but I’m not going to cut it out entirely because I like it and I’ve upped the exercise so I’m not too rotund. A life without chocolate or cake is one definitely less worth living, but I will try to go for quality over quantity. Gone are the days when I’d wipe out half a tub of Ben and Jerries chocolate fudge ice-cream off the back of a Domino’s pizza in one sitting. I was at my heaviest and, crucially, unhappiest in my twenties. Food is not love, you shouldn’t eat your feelings etc. I don’t. Well, I try not to. I’ve been okay at that for a while so no diets or punishing exercise regimes for me either!

I have already cut animal products down if not out of my diet. I’m okay with that. I’m the type of person that if you say I can’t have something, I will stuff my face with it at some point out of pure defiance. I’m not an extreme sort of a person really. But if I say I can have something, that it’s not on some kind of forbidden list, I will probably just not fancy it all that much. I understand my own psychology so much better now. I guess that comes with age. I’m cool with the ‘flexitarian’ me. I certainly consume a lot more plant products, and that’s got to be a good thing. I certainly feel a lot better.

2017 had its challenges for sure. But I got to the end of the year without feeling hyper anxious, which is a small victory! Last Christmas Eve, I watched the Star Wars movie in a state of discomfort and fear following a panic attack in Exeter High Street. I don’t recommend it. I kept thinking about Carrie Fisher’s heart attack and how I was going to have one, just like her. I’d also had a massive panic attack in Cabot Circus a couple of weeks before. It wasn’t pretty. I rang my sister and she talked me through it, but I must have looked a sight, sitting outside Patisserie Valerie clutching my chest, crying and hyperventilating. This year? Chilled. Totally. Almost totally. No panic attacks though, that’s the important thing!

And there’s the most significant part. The realisation that for me 2017, though definitely a bumpy ride (when will I ever have a ‘quiet’ year?), was a year that when I got to the end, I didn’t feel like I had massively taken a wrong turn or needed to sort my shit out in some grand way. In short, I am finally pretty comfortable with myself and how things are going. In conversation with a good friend of mine today, we concluded that the only thing I could probably work on is not giving myself such a hard time. So I am winning because, so far, I’m not.


Of course, it’s only 1st January, but I’m ahead of the curve on almost every other year in recent memory, so I’m quietly optimistic.

'You cannot think yourself into right living. You live yourself into right thinking.'