I am limbering up for my first ever performance as a solo
musician in a week and a bit’s time when I ‘launch’ an EP of five songs that
I wrote, all by myself, into the world. I am struck by the fear. Since 2017 became
a reality rather than a far-off future event, and I realised that I was
actually going to do THIS THING, I have been struck with the FEAR at all sorts
of inopportune moments. Maybe people have noticed my face darken slightly, a
frown creeping across my brow, as I suddenly remember that I have to do THIS
THING. Or I find myself ruminating in absurd detail about all the things I have
to do and all the disasters that will no doubt befall me, right when I should
be sleeping. I am almost immobilised with THE FEAR at times. Why am I putting
myself through this? I have thought all the unhelpful thoughts like…nobody
cares about your music, you’re too old for this, you’re a shit piano
player/singer/songwriter (delete as applicable or all of the aforementioned)
etc etc. No one will turn up. Or what if lots of people turn up, and hate it.
And thus me. And I have to leave the country.
Self-doubt is normal, so I’ve been led to believe. If it’s
normal, then I am achingly normal. I have self-doubt running through my very
veins on a regular basis. If I were a stick of rock, you could break me open at
any point and it would say ‘she doubted herself’ in bold pink letters. What is
more, music is personal. These songs are personal. So I feel very vulnerable
and exposed when I think about the launch. Just how do musicians do it? How do
they put themselves out there and believe in themselves enough to perform
without needing to go off and vomit? Or run very, very far away?
Oh boy, I know about procrastination. I have procrastinated
so much on this project, I can hardly tell you of it. From playing the songs to
Rich in his studio, back in November 2015, when these were very under rehearsed
songs and I thought of them as a personal work, to be recorded in a very
stripped back way for my own edification, through the recording process where
they became something greater with all the intricate production and layers and
weeks and months of work on them, and now, finally when the songs are complete,
and they have to be ‘birthed’ into the world. Weeks have elapsed with very
little work at all, and I realise now that these lulls have only occurred
because I have felt so unbelievably unworthy of the task I’ve set myself. They’re
only five songs but it’s been a labour of…what, love? I wouldn’t exactly call
it that. And how does one get the energy together to self-promote when one
barely has the energy to leave the house some days?
But crucially, two things have got me to this point with a
finished EP with lovely, glossy artwork, and a launch event in the diary. One
is the art of breaking things into really, really tiny manageable chunks and
ticking them off, with accompanying sense of satisfaction. This is proving at
least as invaluable a process in the rehearsal space as at any other time. And
the other, the help and support of my friends and family who believe in this
project, and believe in me, even and perhaps especially when I don’t. I am
profoundly grateful for all the pep talks, the cuddles, the positive feedback
on the songs, and the help with photos, artwork and general advice I’ve been
given. I am a lucky woman, I know.
So, I will screw down my courage because like a juggernaut
hurtling down a hill, nothing will stop this now. I have to do it. And I will. Because
I always do the things I’m most scared of, including zorbing and paragliding
and climbing up a 25 metre rock face and going to live in a foreign country by
myself.
Now for the self-promotion part. Deep breath. If you fancy
coming to watch me overcome this personal obstacle, and maybe enjoy some music,
I am playing on Sunday 5th March in the upstairs function room of the Greenbank pub in Easton from 8pm.
Phew.
No comments:
Post a Comment